Grump Number 3

Sky! No, not Skye – but Sky – the satellite TV service. Now, you would have thought in this day and age that customer service would have been really important to most customers – but then I suppose when you have the monopoly over what you supply, then you don’t really care? Well, that seems to be the point of the Sky Customer Care Department. I telephoned them last Sunday to offer to pay them more money but they refused! How is that bad Customer Care? I hear you ask! Well, because they refused to change my service so that I could pay them more money. Here is the breakdown of the Stupidity of Sky:

We took out a special offer with Sky about 2 months ago in which we had a Sky+ box and installation free of charge and then 2 months of free premium channels before we revert back to the ‘freeview’ option. In the meantime, we were given an HD Sky+ box by a friend, who thought he was doing us a great favour. Anyway, the box works great however, you have to have the Sky Viewing Card paired with the box before the Sky+ takes effect – in other words, before you can pause the live TV and record stuff on it. So, after installing the new box, I call Sky and they take all my details and I tell them why I am calling – to have the card paired for a new HD box. ‘That’s no problem at all’, said the Sky voice, ‘I’ll just get all the information you will need’. Happily I waited on the phone and he came back and asked if we would like to upgrade our subscription so that we could get all the Sky channels in HD – that would be an extra £10 per month. I agreed and even said that, if I really liked the HD I would probably reconsider not taking the movie package as I had heard that the movies in HD are fantastic. ‘They are,’ said he. Then I was asked to hold on again while he just checked something. He came back and said everything was fine and went over the cost for the HD package, etc and I asked him about the costs of the movie package if we wanted it and he told me not to worry about that because we had the movies up until the 23rd August anyway. Then he stopped in his tracks and asked me to hold on yet again! This time he comes back and tells me that, since I had taken out the special offer, there was no way I could upgrade to HD unless I wanted to purchase the Sky+ box that I had in my possession PLUS the HD box from them. This would cost in the region of £100-£150. Seemingly, the contract I have signed FORBIDS me to upgrade any of the system until next year, when the year is up, and then I can do what I want. In the meantime, what is in point happening is this: I am going to be doing away with the movie package and going down to the bare minimum package. Therefore Sky are, through their own stupidity, losing out on a Movie Package deal PLUS a monthly HD subscription. Now – tell me? Where is the logic in that one?

Grump Number 2

Isn’t age an absolute curse? I never thought in my wildest dreams when I was 13 years old that I would ever get to this decrepit stage where I was actually 55 going on 56! I think the big problem with age is one of the mind – my mind is telling me I am about 35 while my bones and back are telling me to get real!

Eyesight? Yes that deteriorates but not as fast as I thought it would. Maybe it has something to do with looking at a computer monitor day in and day out. However, it was brought home to me when I went to have my eyes tested last year, the optician told me not to bother buying any glasses that were expensive, as they would need replacing nearly ever two or three months. How dare you, I thought, however those words have rung true and now I have the utmost difficulty in reading anything too close or too far away. It has to be in a certain position with a good light and then there is no problem at all.

Memory? Sorry what am I doing here – why am I writing this? Yes, memory just disappears in a puff of smoke! All those music hall jokes about going to the toilet and forgetting why you went. That is no joke, believe me! My memory has become so bad that I can be talking to a friend I have known for years and suddenly start calling them by some absurd name that just flew into my head! I can reminisce for hours on end about ‘the old days’ but, ask me what happened a minute ago and I am stuck!

The Body? Oh, my dear! Well, it is true that everything migrates south and not for the winter. Once it’s there, it doesn’t want to come back. My nipples used to be about 6 inches higher than they are. My backside is trailing on the floor and my hands have ‘things’ growing on the skin. Not to worry, said the doctor, it’s just age!

Hair? Teeth? forget them – best not to even go there!

Sex Drive? Well, I have to say that has not changed an ounce. I was a horny bugger and still am. Luckily I have someone who can fulfil that part of my life. However, don’t expect me to be getting into all those positions I did when I was 20. I might just be able to move a couple of feet around the bed before passing out.

Yes, age is a curse but it is also a fantastic feeling. I can now say things to people I would never have dreamed of saying before. Either they think I’m batty or that I’ve lost it. Doesn’t matter to me, the truth will out and it does especially from an older person. I have to say that I am happy feeling the way I do, even although I grump about it morn to midnight. I believe I am lucky, in that I found a younger person to become my life-long partner and he keeps me feeling young – if I had ended up with someone my own age or older – then I would be looking for the gun to put us both out of our misery!!

Grump Number 1

Living up here on the Isle of Skye can be idyllic and for about 6 months of the year it is. The other 6 months can have anyone who happens to have hair (I don’t!) to pull it out with frustration and anger. Now, for people who don’t live up here, you’re probably thinking it must have something to do with the weather! No, you’re wrong – nothing to do with the climate, in fact the frustration occurs at the best time of the year for clear days and unclouded nights. The reasons for the screaming and shouting are inconsiderate toursist who think we are all still living in the 18th century up here. They obviously think we go about at a laconic pace not bothering whether we ever to get from A to B, never mind at what speed we accomplish it. Yes, it’s those drivers who go about the island pointing out lovely seas, gorgeous little lambs, highland cows, in fact anything at all that looks in anyway different from things they see in the cities. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think that’s lovely they feel that way but not while I am driving behind them trying to get home after a long day in another part of the island – or trying to get somewhere for an appointment. Why do they never look in their rear-view mirror? Why do they never use their wing mirrors? Why do they think we are all yokels with nothing better to do than follow them along the road at 20mph? Things get even worse during May and June when the lambs are born. The tourist then sees a lamb and his mother feeding about 100metres away from the side of the road and they either swerve out into the middle of the road or suddenly stop and crawl along at 2mph. Do they think all sheep up here are kamikazi and will suddenly stop eating contentedly and decide to run in front of the first car that approaches them? Even if you blow your horn and tell them you are behind them, you can see them then use their rear-view mirror and wonder why you are tooting your horn! Single track roads are the worst! There are these things called Passing Places where the oncoming car, seeing a car coming towards them can pull into and let the other car pass. Not the tourist! They will either stop their car in there to get out and have a photo opportunity or they will keep going and when they are in front of you and neither car can go anywhere, they will look at you and start gesticulating for you to go back, even although the nearest Passing Place is actually only 10 yards behind them and yours in 100yards back! Well, I don’t give in to them – I literally turn off the engine and pick up my paper and read it. You see – I’m a country yokel and have all day to get from A to B – aren’t I!